So a lot has changed in the past two weeks. I am employed again. My company is like the economy which worries me. I have a daughter and I need job security. Does that even exist anymore?
I have been worrying about my ever decreasing milk supply so I have been supplementing with formula. My mom has been telling me breast milk won't be enough and everyone else tells me it is. I know i shouldn't let people hinder me from raising my baby the way i want to but it's hard. I think they will always look at me as the 12 year old with no sense. I know its a stretch for people in my family to see me as an adult but i wish they could at least respect that i am a mother with a mother's instinct. No one spends more time with her than I do and while I really do listen to every piece of advice I get I wish they would understand that i cannot put everything into practice. It's like if i fuck this up i want to be able to blame me and me alone. I won't though...Right?
My love life....HA! It's always like some guessing game where I'm too scared to fully commit to my selection because I'm worried something will go wrong. So then i make several selections ad its like your not supposed to but who is going to stop you. I recently started hanging out with this guy that i have known since 3rd grade. We graduated 8th grade together and hadn't spoken since. I found him on myspace. After messaging back and forth he admitted he had a crush on me in school but never said anything because he thought I liked older guys. I had a crush on him but thought he didn't like black girls. so we have been talking everyday since and I'm into him. One night while out drinking with a couple people (don't worry about my breast feeding I use these http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=171203&aid=336064&aparam=breast%20milk%20test&scinit1=breast%20milk%20test and the pump and dump method). I had said something about us going to school together and he said smugly " you don't know me". He was completely correct. I never spoke or hung out with him during our formative years. I built up a false sense of security around me thinking i knew him. It made me feel more comfy with him like i didn't need to guard anything because he already knew. He doesn't.
I started writing again and here's the beginning of a poem that's unfinished or maybe it is and relax its not personal....
I've gotten obsessed
with watching the stock market rise and fall
like my chest
because I randomly became out of breathe
when you said
Selina, I'm crushing.
But he made me vexed
Like when i said i was pregnant
and you fantasized about me falling down stairs,
from under me pulling chairs
But you knew no BC
what did you expect
we were fucking
