Her I am Forever Loving

So a lot has changed in the past two weeks. I am employed again. My company is like the economy which worries me. I have a daughter and I need job security. Does that even exist anymore?
I have been worrying about my ever decreasing milk supply so I have been supplementing with formula. My mom has been telling me breast milk won't be enough and everyone else tells me it is. I know i shouldn't let people hinder me from raising my baby the way i want to but it's hard. I think they will always look at me as the 12 year old with no sense. I know its a stretch for people in my family to see me as an adult but i wish they could at least respect that i am a mother with a mother's instinct. No one spends more time with her than I do and while I really do listen to every piece of advice I get I wish they would understand that i cannot put everything into practice. It's like if i fuck this up i want to be able to blame me and me alone. I won't though...Right?
My love life....HA! It's always like some guessing game where I'm too scared to fully commit to my selection because I'm worried something will go wrong. So then i make several selections ad its like your not supposed to but who is going to stop you. I recently started hanging out with this guy that i have known since 3rd grade. We graduated 8th grade together and hadn't spoken since. I found him on myspace. After messaging back and forth he admitted he had a crush on me in school but never said anything because he thought I liked older guys. I had a crush on him but thought he didn't like black girls. so we have been talking everyday since and I'm into him. One night while out drinking with a couple people (don't worry about my breast feeding I use these http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=171203&aid=336064&aparam=breast%20milk%20test&scinit1=breast%20milk%20test and the pump and dump method). I had said something about us going to school together and he said smugly " you don't know me". He was completely correct. I never spoke or hung out with him during our formative years. I built up a false sense of security around me thinking i knew him. It made me feel more comfy with him like i didn't need to guard anything because he already knew. He doesn't.
I started writing again and here's the beginning of a poem that's unfinished or maybe it is and relax its not personal....

I've gotten obsessed
with watching the stock market rise and fall
like my chest
because I randomly became out of breathe
when you said
Selina, I'm crushing.


But he made me vexed
Like when i said i was pregnant
and you fantasized about me falling down stairs,
from under me pulling chairs
But you knew no BC
what did you expect
we were fucking

The Lonely Stoner

At this point in my life I wanted to have it all together or just most of it at least. I feel like I completely do not. My old life ended when I got pregnant. Everything has started from scratch. I moved back to NYC from the small Massachusetts town I ran away to after high school. After almost 4 years of ultimate freedom, in my 18 year old mind, I am back with my parents. My 20 year old little sister, 18 year old brother and granny are here too. I had my daughter which was an ordeal in itself and now I have to raise her alone, well sort of. To top all of this off, for the first time in 5 years I am unemployed! All this new stuff is starting to bug me but luckily I have some awesome friends, Irma and Ellie, who have been there for me through it all. I have known these girls since junior year in high school when I chased bad boys, toothless rappers, wrestlers, drug dealers and girls with a savior complex. They are here too in my now adult life listening to me talk about breastfeeding, finding a babysitter and attempting to date again. Well I am gonna try and get some rest before my daughter, Aurora George, wakes up!
Peace...